Not Everyone Needs to "Get Over It" — Understanding Trauma-Informed Living

Let's be real — "trauma" has become one of those words we hear everywhere, from TikTok therapists to corporate diversity trainings to your friend explaining why they can't handle surprise birthday parties.

And yes, sometimes the word gets overused. But here's the thing: understanding trauma — what it actually is, how it shows up, and why people respond the way they do — can fundamentally change how we interact with each other. It makes us better friends, partners, coworkers, parents, and humans.

The good news? You don't need a psychology degree to be trauma-informed. You just need to understand a few key concepts and shift how you interpret behavior — especially when it doesn't make sense to you.

Trauma isn't just "something bad that happened."

It's an experience (or series of experiences) that overwhelms your ability to cope, leaving a lasting impact on how your brain and body respond to the world. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) defines it as an event or circumstance experienced as physically or emotionally harmful, with lasting adverse effects on functioning and well-being.

Here's what people get wrong: Trauma isn't about the event itself — it's about the impact.

Two people can experience the same situation and have completely different responses. One person's "rough breakup" might be another person's re-traumatization of abandonment wounds from childhood. Your brain doesn't care about objective severity — it cares about how safe you felt and whether you had support to process what happened.

Types of trauma include:

Acute trauma: A single incident (car accident, assault, natural disaster).

Chronic trauma: Repeated, prolonged exposure (ongoing abuse, domestic violence, living in a war zone).

Complex trauma: Multiple, varied traumatic events, often interpersonal and invasive (childhood neglect, emotional abuse, systemic oppression).

The kicker? About 70% of adults in the U.S. have experienced at least one traumatic event. That's not rare — that's most of us.

Here's where it gets fascinating — and where compassion becomes easier.

When you experience trauma, your brain's threat detection system (the amygdala) goes into overdrive while your rational thinking center (the prefrontal cortex) goes offline. Your nervous system essentially learns: "The world is dangerous. I need to be ready for the next threat."

This creates three primary survival responses:

Fight: Aggression, anger, the urge to attack or defend.

Flight: Anxiety, panic, the urge to escape or avoid.

Freeze: Shutdown, dissociation, numbness, feeling stuck.

There's also fawn (people-pleasing to avoid conflict) and flop (collapse or total submission) — less talked about but equally common.

Here's the critical part: These aren't choices. They're automatic nervous system responses that happen before conscious thought kicks in.

So when someone "overreacts" to a minor criticism, cancels plans at the last minute repeatedly, or seems cold and detached when you expected emotion — they might not be difficult or dramatic. Their nervous system might be responding to a perceived threat that you can't see.

Recent research shows that trauma literally changes brain structure. A 2023 study in Nature Neuroscience found that people with PTSD show reduced hippocampus volume (affecting memory processing) and increased amygdala reactivity (heightening threat response). This isn't "all in their head" — it's measurable, physical brain differences.

Trauma doesn't always look like flashbacks and nightmares.

Often, it shows up as:

Example: Your coworker who triple-checks every email before sending? Might have grown up with hypercritical parents. Your friend who ghosts when things get serious? Might have learned that closeness equals pain. Your partner who needs detailed plans and hates surprises? Might need predictability to feel safe.

Being trauma-informed means asking "What happened to you?" instead of "What's wrong with you?"

If healing trauma were that simple, therapists would be out of business.

Telling someone to "move on," "let it go," or "stop living in the past" fundamentally misunderstands how trauma works. Their brain has been wired for survival, and you can't think your way out of a nervous system stuck in threat mode.

What actually helps:

Validation doesn't mean agreeing with every behavior — it means acknowledging someone's emotional reality before problem-solving.

Trauma survivors often live with a baseline feeling of unsafety in the world.

You can help by being predictable, consistent, and trustworthy in small ways:

Follow through on commitments: If you say you'll call, call. Broken promises reinforce "people can't be trusted."

Respect boundaries: Don't push someone to share before they're ready. Forced vulnerability recreates dynamics of powerlessness.

Give choices: "Would you rather meet at your place or mine?" Control helps people feel safer.

Communicate clearly: Ambiguity feels threatening. Say what you mean directly and kindly.

Be patient with the process: Healing isn't linear. Someone might be fine one day and triggered the next.

A trigger is a sensory or emotional reminder of trauma that activates the nervous system's survival response.

Triggers can be obvious (a rape survivor triggered by aggressive sexual advances) or seemingly random (someone triggered by the smell of cologne their abuser wore, or by a specific phrase, or by feeling trapped in a crowded space).

Being trauma-informed means:

You can't avoid all triggers — and trying to creates a different problem. But you can be mindful about unnecessary triggers and respectful when someone communicates their needs.

Here's a trap well-meaning people fall into: trying to "fix" someone's trauma response.

Your friend shares something painful, and you immediately jump to solutions. Your partner has a panic attack, and you try to talk them out of it with logic. Your kid is upset, and you rush to make the feeling go away.

The problem? This communicates "your feelings are wrong and need to be fixed."

Better approach:

You can't rescue someone from their feelings — but you can sit with them while they feel them. That presence is often more healing than any advice.

Compassion fatigue is real, especially if you're supporting someone with significant trauma.

You can't pour from an empty cup — and an unregulated nervous system can't co-regulate with someone else's. (That's therapist-speak for: if you're anxious and activated, you can't help someone else calm down.)

Protect your peace:

Being trauma-informed includes knowing your limits and honoring them.

Trauma-informed means questioning assumptions baked into our culture.

"Pull yourself up by your bootstraps" — Ignores that some people don't have boots, and trauma can take away the ability to pull.

"Forgive and move on" — Healing doesn't require forgiving your abuser. Some things aren't forgivable, and that's okay.

"Time heals all wounds" — Time plus processing heals wounds. Time alone just makes them older.

"They're so resilient" — Sometimes used to excuse not providing support. Resilience often comes at a cost; don't romanticize survival.

When you hear these phrases (including in your own head), pause and ask: "Is this actually helpful, or does it shame people for struggling?"

You don't have to understand someone's trauma to respect that it exists.

You don't have to know the details of what happened to treat someone with compassion. You don't have to "get it" to be kind.

Being trauma-informed isn't about walking on eggshells or excusing harmful behavior — it's about approaching people with curiosity instead of judgment, recognizing that behavior makes sense in context, and understanding that healing happens in relationship.

This shift — from "What's wrong with you?" to "What happened to you?" — changes everything.

Before interacting with someone you know (or suspect) has experienced trauma:

Being trauma-informed is a practice, not a destination — and every interaction is a chance to do better.

Be gentle with yourself and others. We're all carrying something.

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